ह्यूमन विडियो गमेस

Friday night was Zach Watson's bachelor party at the former Ledezmas' pink mansion. After the usual spiel of some Guitar Hero and an excessive amount of hamburgers, soda and Doritos, I suggested we entertain ourselves with the games my younger brother and I invented in our Pre-Nintendo days (I've often said that one of the best things parents can do for their kids is to refuse to buy them a Nintendo; it forces creativity.) Our first game was Human Frogger. The preliminary version was done by making a narrow lane as outlined by blankets, and then having guys roll back and forth as "logs" while the "frog," has to jump over them. When that game was no longer challenging, we played a version where three guys stood up throughout the lane, closed their eyes and randomly walked back and forth. This time the frog was also granted the gift of bipedal locomotion as he tried to weave through the moving obstacles.

Next we played Mike Tyson's Punch Out. As we didn't have boxing gloves, we had to wrap blankets around our fists. I took on Nefi. After getting a series of "power hits," as awarded by the announcer (Zach), I was able to K.O. Nefi by knocking him down right before the buzzer at the end of the fourth round (we were tied at the end of the third).

We also tried Human Mario. I had the unlucky fate of being a turtle while guys jumped over me...or on me. We didn't take that game very far. We also played a game where one man had to get to the other side of the room while two other guys tried to clobber him first. In so doing, Zach painfully popped his knee out of place, signifying the universal "game over." Of course, as is custom for bachelor parties among my cliques, we also played "Rodney King Beatings," the game in which a blanket is thrown over someone and then he's beaten senseless, and "Get 'Em!" a roulette-like game in which a random member of a circle is beaten senseless. Lest you perceive us as brute beasts, I would impress upon you the sheer civility through which we exchange and receive our loving blows. I can't explain why, but there's something about a bunch of friends hitting each other that inevitably inspires laughter, whether you're the one pummeling or being pummeled.

The next day, Saturday, I was at home, working on my novel, when I was startled by the sudden appearance of a Fairy. She had wings and leafy garland, and she strongly resembled my sister-inlaw, Heather Peavler. She told me that the princess Zelda had been kidnapped by the insidious Gannon and that it was my fate to rescue her. She had brought me a green, leater tunic, which I put on, and then she bade me follow her.

Outside, we were joined by Curtis Wiederhold, who was holding a videocamera and pushing our stroller, from which came baby cooing. The fairy told me to pay no attention to Curtis, so I didn't. We set forth down 300 West on our quest. The fair was really annoying. She kept saying, "Hey!" and "Listen!" even when I was giving her my undivided attention. She really didn't make any sense.

Soon we came to a bridge that led to the Parkway trail. Beneath it, I observed a mysterious old man with a white beard. He strongly resembled my older brother Mike. I met him, and he presented a cardboard sword, saying, "Master using it, and you can have it." He wouldn't say anything else. So I thanked him, and the fairy and I continued over the bridge.

Moments later, we saw a knight charging toward us in plastic armor. He resembled my brother inlaw Lafe Peavler. I tried to reason with the mad chap, but he insisted on killing me, so I had to slay him in self defense. After he dramatically hit the ground, to my surprise, a series of random objects, such as little squashes, flew out from his pocket as propelled by his dying hand. The fairy told me that these were "rupees." So I looted the dead man, and we went on.

Soon we encountered another foe. He was a wormy fellow with an accordian-like exterior, which I learned was called a like-like. Like-likes are bizarre creatures that have a taste for metal shields. Anyway, it was hobbling about like a dumb idiot, and I didn't want to harm it, but like the guard, it insited on dying, so I put it out of its misery. The spirit that fled from its corpse resembled my brother-inlaw Josh Peavler.

I went on to encounter a man on a bench who had nothing more to say than, "I am Error." Error also resembled Lafe Peavler. I also met a strange girl who said, "Play me a song, and I'll talk." She resembled Sarina Wiederhold. I had a recorder, and I played her a tune, but it wasn't the one she wanted to hear. So we went on. Next, while passing under a scary bridge, I suspected danger, and I was right. A terrible warrior that resembled Joseph Cardon jumped down from a wall and brandished a sword that was much larger than my own. But I stunned him with the boomerang I'd looted from my first murder, and soon this fellow was a gonner as well. I tried to take his amazing sword, but the fairy informed me that such an action was illegal. I had been wounded in this battle, and I was glad to soon meet a fairy beneath the bridge, who healed me. Later, I threw my broken cardboard sword into the water, and the fairy gave me a major upgrade, a plastic sword.

Next I encountered a very eccentric mask salesman who resembled Levi Stannard. He was very pushy in selling me a plastic mask that I had no interest in, but I didn't know what else to do with my rupees, so I bought it. And it's a good thing I did, for next on my path was a cloaked girl on a bench whom I would later discover strongly resembled Bria Wiederhold. She wore a similar mask, and I found that she would only talk to me if I put on my mask. Well, like most people in this strange world called Hyrule, she wouldn't actually talk but would activate her single routine, which was to present me with a box, from which I produced a "silver" (Nerf) arrow.

I'll spare you from some of the more tedious details. So to summarize, I encountered the mysterious old man again, who had been hobbling in the distance through the whole quest, creating a very creepy effect. He said, "It is a secret to everybody" and gave me fifty "rupees." I eventually encountered a "Sheik," who resembled Rose Ledezma, who taught me how to play a magical melody on my recorder. I played the melody for the weird girl on the bench, and she then told me that I would find Gannon in the "place I rested my head." I also met Error on the road, who told me where to find a ladder. I think I failed to meet Error's friend, who would tell me this, so Error had to tell me himself. I found the ladder (an industrial ladder), but without possessing the magical bottomless pockets of the heroes in video games, I had to lug the cursed ladder everywhere I went, not to mention all my other cumbersome items, and it wasn't easy.

Eventually I found a "bomb bag" in the branches of a tree, for which the ladder came in handy. At a village comfortably built around the gazeebo behind the Bon Losi Academy, I meet a merchant in a tent who resembled my little neise Jaime. She sold me a shield, a bunch of bombs (water balloons), a red potion and some arrows, all for only one rupee each. But the item I coveted most, a Nerf crossbow, cost a "ducky," which I did not possess.

Next to the shop was a woman who resembled my sister-inlaw Desire Gashler. (By the way, the fairy had been holding an MP3 player this whole time which played appropriate music. The Zelda theme for our usual walking, an intense theme for battles and now a gentle theme for the village.) This woman asked if I wanted to play her game, which was throwing bombs at rocks. I accepted, and it took my nearly twenty bombs, but just before the stock was out, I hit the last rock, and the woman rewarded me with a plastic duck. As you can guess, I left the village with a crossbow added to my very cumbersome inventory. Thank goodness I was able to load some of it into the stroller pushed by the cameraman.

I knew from the clue given by the girl on the bench that Gannon was at my house. So we journeyed back, and many of the strange characters I had met along the way joined me. Carrying the ladder all the way back to my house was no fun. I asked the motley bunch if they'd stand beside me in my great confrontation with Gannon and not pull any of that "the hero must go alone" nonsense, but they declined.

In front of my house, I met a cloaked man in black who resembled Nefi Ledezma. He wanted to fight hand to hand, which we did, and I eventually pinned him and won. Then I ventured into my backyard, where lo, I beheld the terrible Gannon, who resembled Andrew Whittaker, surrounded by all of his terrible minions, with Zelda locked up in the back. Gannon said something villainous, then sent his minions on me. First I battled the swordsmen from beneath the bridge again, then two knights at once, and then the fairy from beneath the bridge who had apparently turned evil. Finally it was just Gannon and I.

The final battle was very intense. His sword was huge, and he whacked me with it many a time. Furthermore, my sword had no effect on him. I realized that I had to first hit him with the "silver arrow," and this was only possible when my fairy would first set Zelda free, thus distracting Gannon. I was able to get a rare shot at him and then whack him with my sword, but he definitely hit me a lot more. It it was a real video game, I would have died many times. But I did have the red potion, which kept me alive. My fairy continued to squirt it into my mouth (it was inside of an old Ketchup bottle), thus giving me the strength to go on. And eventually I prevailed and Gannon exploded. I took the hand of Princess Zelda, who resembled my wife, and all was happy and gay.

This amazing production was all orchestrated by Teresa on behalf of my birthday, all completely behind my back. It was also largely organized by my brother and sister-inlaw Mike and Desire Gashler. I must say that it was one of the funnest activities I've ever been engaged in, and I felt very loved. I was very impressed by Teresa's skill as a creative producer, as this was much more ellaborate than any "surprise theater" event I'd ever organized. To add to this, there was another "surprise party" that evening, though I totally knew this one was coming. I was actually the one to jump into the room and shout "surprise!" to the large crowd. We played improv games and had good fun.

I suppose one purpose of a birthday party is to help the person growing older happily confront his new age. I do confess that I wasn't too thrilled to be twenty-six, as it seemed to inaugurate my final departure from the first quarter century of my life and my youth all together. There's no getting around saying you're an adult when you're twenty-six. And I'll confess, I have a Peter Pan complex. But man, after all that fun and love, for whatever reason, I now feel really good about being a grownup. I guess the fact has been reaffirmed in my mind that I can face a lifetime of being a grownup without ever having to actually grow up.

Speaking of human video games, it was a complete coincidence that this big Zedla affair happened the night after we were playing "Frogger," "Mario," and "Mike Tyson's Punch Out" for Zach's party. In light of all this, a number of us have expressed an interest in creating some sort of theme park that specializes in "quests" like this. What could possibly be more fun? Teresa and I had set a goal to create a theme park in our backyard this summer. Maybe this dream will soon become reality. Amen. (Pictures to follow.)